Tag Archives: choices

Multicultural Relationships

There are so many rewards for being in a multicultural relationship such as the experiences which you would never get from a relationship in your own country. Yet at the same time there are so many important choices you have to make that can be overwhelming.

I am in that stage right now. Deciding my career and where to live after we marry is a bigger decision than I ever thought. I guess when I was in university I always felt like I will deal with that decision later and now later is here!

I have always wanted to live abroad and I don’t see my future in Ireland but it is kind of strange to think I could be leaving here in a few months..for good like. How will I live without Irish milk and butter…this stuff is so good it is on my list of major concerns! No but getting to the serious stuff I sometimes have issues about living in Turkey. Number one would be the education system which is obviously important if I have children. Totally prefer the education system in Ireland which is not influenced by nationalist/religious doctrine. I must say though that I do think the education system isn’t all bad after all I did study for a year in Istanbul..but that was third level and so different. This problem is also not just related to education within the school walls but the way in which children and society are thought in general about certain issues.

Secondly is my career. I feel like the money to be earned in Ireland is so much better than there. It kind of annoys me to think I could earn half in Turkey of what I could earn in Ireland.

Thirdly is the fear of sameness. Everything was so exciting when I first went to Turkey. Summer holidays and nothing to worry about. My year studying there was amazing. Yet thinking of my whole life there is kind of scary..will I turn into one of them…will I acquire it…you know the dreaded Turkish housewife syndrome. I sometimes have this conversation with my other half and especially after last summer there I felt like I was acquiring some characteristics which I did not have before. He noticed it too. I am glad that we discussed it and that he still loves me for being Irish and doesn’t want me to change. I guess its the other people around us that had that affect on me feeling that I need to be more Turkish. Thankfully I am coming to terms more with this (as I wrote in a previous post https://irishgelin.wordpress.com/2014/11/14/how-to-deal-with-the-critics/ )

Obviously there are issues such as leaving your family. I spoke with an aunt of mine who left Ireland when she was younger to move to the UK, where she still lives today. I asked her did she ever feel guilty for leaving her parents especially when they got older and ill..I feel that it would be hard. She reassured me that with the way the world is today we can visit several times a year now and also advances in technology mean I can skype today whereas she had an expensive phone bill. I am sure it would still be hard though.

Then there are bureaucratic issues. Multicultural relationships are full of this crap. Reading about the process of marriage and visits to embassies and translations of documents makes me tired. The fact that I have to get a blood test to be a citizen of Turkey makes me freak out…I hate needles and it may be an ice breaker. Of course it is still much easier for me to do this stuff there. It is annoying that if we did want to live in Ireland for a while there is too much bureaucracy to deal with. I mean its already a pain with all the documents we have to give for him when he just visits as a tourist. We sometimes discuss our desires to live abroad (neither Ireland or Turkey) but I am soon brought back down to earth when I realise how difficult it is. I so want us to make the most of the next few years by travelling and hopefully living in other places other than Istanbul but when you are with a Turk there is always the bureaucracy which follows. I am so grateful to be an EU citizen who doesn’t need to worry that much about travelling to other countries. I guess a lot of people in Europe do not recognise this side until they themselves are in a relationship with a person from a non EU country. It sucks when we go on holiday and he has to go to the non EU entrance while I whim pass the EU entrance.

Anyway the moral of the story…multicultural relationships are hard. Its so easy when you first get together and you have all your plans that you intend to act on in a few years. When those few years pass and you are at the stage I am at now you start to realise all the things that come in the way and try to block your plans. So know that multicultural relationships are exciting at best but tiring at worse. I know that for many in multiculutural relationships there is one person who may not want to let go of their culture or stray from what society expects. That is something the other person has to deal with in a serious way. How much are you willing to compromise for that person? And if it is not a whole lot then you gotta question why you are together.

I am glad that we are both unconventional and recognise the issues at hand and support one another. It is scary that the future is so unknown but exciting at the same time that we can both share it together.  I like the idea that my western ideas of how to live are being challenged and that I am learning new ideas but I also like the idea that I am challenging his ideas of how to live.