No matter where we live we will have people who we do not get along with or who don’t like us for various reasons. Yet when you live in Turkey it becomes different because you are the foreigner and you feel you are being criticised just because you aren’t Turkish. Your foreign identity becomes more highlighted as opposed to anything else about you.
My partners group of friends contains some girls who I don’t connect with. They are type who have cruel intentions to say the least. Everything I have done they have done it better. It was such a draining experience of the past few months as we spent more time with this group of people. I felt the negative energy from them actually getting to me. In my own life I cut negative people out because I don’t have time for people who want to bring me down. I do my best to surround myself with people I connect with and people who actually want me to succeed.
Anyway I will give you all a bit of background into how things got to the point they are now. When I first came to Turkey they couldn’t have been nicer to me (it is so funny looking back seeing how fake they were now). It was all exciting because I was the ‘new’ girl and perhaps it was interesting to them that I was foreign, I don’t know. Anyway in the past I was only going to Turkey like twice a year so I didn’t see them that much. When I studied for a year in Turkey though and when I would spend 3 months of summer in Turkey that is when I had to be around them more often. Basically it is a group of friends my partner has in which there are a few guys and then these girls. One of them is actually nice to me but it is the others that aren’t. I remember the first time when I felt excluded by them. We went on a picnic for a day and I didn’t want to be clingy to my partner the whole day because I wanted to try interacting more. At the time my language abilities were limited but I did my best to try communicating with them. I remember feeling so isolated that day because they would talk amongst themselves and ignore me. Then there were the several café outings with them where the guys would be talking about football or whatever and the girls would whisper amongst themselves. When I discussed the Turkish foods I was learning to cook it was always like oh that is easy dear (you know ‘canim’ in a condescending way), I learnt to do that when I was a child etc. There was never anything positive from their mouths. I would just spend my whole time smiling not sure what to do with myself.
This summer things changed though. This is when I saw their true faces and when I gave up smiling. One of the girls and one of the guys got married and so them living together meant that they could invite us over for longer periods of time. It was like I have my own home now and I can behave how I want now. Inviting me to your home and completely ignoring me. My offering to help you set the table and you talking about me while I was away. The great thing about learning Turkish is that people aren’t sure what level you are at so they talk about you not knowing you understand more than you let on. Sometimes though in group conversations I don’t understand what they are talking about and I would ask my partner to translate. Then came the negative comments ufff why is she talking English, ufff she understands Turkish. I snapped then. I was sick of these miss know it alls talking about me in the third person. I said it out straight English is my language and I don’t understand Turkish and so when I want I will speak English to understand. I think they were surprised that I could speak up for myself. But it is still the why do you and him speak English when you are alone, when will you speak Turkish. My thoughts – Why do you care actually? Are you with us when we are alone? Does it effect you so much that you must always bring it up?
I have finally come to realise that these girls feel intimidated by me although for a long time I had felt intimidated by them. Their whispering, sneering and comments would upset me. I had been nothing but nice to them. I had a conversation with the girl I got along with and discussed how I felt being isolated without mentioning names because obviously she is friends with them too. She said to me ‘you know you have to be strong you really have to be strong’. I realised at that moment she was trying to tell me that she could see how it was getting to me but that I need to suck it up. I realised that those girls were enjoying seeing me as the weaker one who they felt they had control over. When I began to stand up for myself and disagree with them on certain points that is when they became even more cruel. Like when at the end of the night it was obvious they were reluctant in hugging me goodbye.
It was difficult and draining on myself. It was difficult on my relationship as I didn’t want to go out if they were joining us and my partner wouldn’t understand the problem. I just don’t think guys see the competition between females. They are somewhat naïve about the tension between some girls. He put it down to language and if this was in the past then I would have agreed but I am no longer the foreigner who can only say nasilsin. I can actually hold a conversation now. At least his mother agreed with me she said she understood the type of girls they were. He offered to speak with them about how they were making me feel and I thought about it. I am glad I told him no because if he did that they would know they were hurting me. I decided I want to be the annoying foreigner.
You may find yourself in this situation with Turkish women. It may be your mother in law, it may be a sister in law, an aunt or your partners friends. You either spend all your time trying to please them and bowing down to them or you chin up and embrace your foreign identity. I am not Turkish. I am foreign and I am glad I have different ideas. I enjoy that I am different and that I am not trying to be part of your club. I have Turkish friends who embrace me for who I am. They actually want to learn about my culture and teach me about theirs. Our differences bring us together because we respect diversity while at the same time understanding the sisterhood between us. I don’t want to sound like the feminist here but the ones that try to bring me down don’t realise that they are the very people they criticise. They are the ones who don’t want women to succeed. They don’t want to see women go outside traditional norms in society. Yet they claim that they are modern and support modern political parties. How blind they are to their own behaviour!
Although negativity is hard to be around I have finally accepted that I am happy with myself. They are clearly unhappy with their own selves and that is reflected in how they treat others. I choose to surround myself more with positive people who bring me up and not bring me down. Understand yourself more and be happy with yourself more so that such people cannot get to you. You have to be strong as that girl told me. Don’t get so caught up in it that you become like them but don’t let them walk all over you. Hold your ground without lowering yourself to their level.